MAKE MEN TICK ---FOR YOU
by George Jonas
National Post
September 16, 2005

Long before there were same-sex couples, there were confirmed bachelors.
Confirmed bachelors weren't necessarily a same-sex couple-in-waiting; some
people just didn't fancy marriage. Still, had same-sex marriage been
available all along, the ranks of confirmed bachelors would have been
thinner.

All this is by the by, for I'm not about to discuss confirmed bachelors
here -- only their nieces. Nieces are often fond of their confirmed
bachelor relations, sometimes to the point of preferring Uncle Bob to their
own parents. Uncle Bob requites their affection, generally speaking, and
often expresses it by giving his nieces presents and smoothing their path
in life.

It's only when they want guidance that Uncle Bob is stymied. After all, one
of the reasons he stayed a bachelor was not to be obliged to acquire the
practical experience needed to provide guidance to nieces.

Juniors of either sex, by the way, are notorious for craving guidance, even
demanding it, while bitterly fighting and resenting it at the same time.
Some people find this charming. Others think it's a bore.

I'm with the others in this, but as Uncle Bob's friend, I can't very well
decline when he sends his 19-year-old niece Vivian around for some
guidance. Vivian resembles Mrs. Warren's daughter in G. B. Shaw's Mrs.
Warren's Profession in more than just her name. In Shaw's play, Vivian is a
suffragette who is resolved to become a working girl (though not in the
sense her mother, who runs a high-class bordello, understands the word.) A
contemporary version, my friend's niece worries about the glass ceiling
before she has ever set foot on a glass floor.

Last year, Vivian wanted to know how to become a writer. This is a touchy
subject, and I've tip-toed around it, not having the heart the tell her
that if you have to ask someone how to become a writer you're probably not
cut out to be one.

This time Vivian only wanted to know about the nature of man. Man as in
"male," not as in "mankind." What she asked was: "What makes men tick?"

"You mean, what makes them tick for you?"

"Well, yes," Vivian replied. "That too. That mainly," she added with
disarming candour.'

"I can give you a long answer," I said, "but the short answer is smile and
wash your hair."

"You mean, men are sexists and they like women to be accommodating and
pretty?" asked Vivian, frowning.

This has become another touchy subject these days, but I see no point in
giving advice unless it's to the best of my knowledge, which is that
everybody prefers everybody else to be accommodating, and -- except for
kinky people who are turned on by webbed toes -- everybody likes everybody
else to be pretty. One person's "pretty" may not be exactly the same as
another person's "pretty," but there's enough of a consensus for Hollywood
to stay in business.

Women prefer these qualities in men no less then men prefer them in women.
The difference is that women tend to use the word "kind" for accommodating,
and the word "handsome" for pretty. Another difference is that, while women
find it natural that they prefer kind and handsome men, they've come to
resent that men prefer accommodating and pretty women.

"I smile when I feel like it," said Vivian defiantly, "and when I feel like
it, I wash my hair."

"That's sufficient," I said, "if you feel like it often enough. If you
don't, the fellows may go for a girl who feels like it more often than you
do, or who does it whether she feels like it or not."

"But isn't that unfair?"

"Not really. It's only unfortunate for sullen people with unkempt hair.
You're not such a person, are you?"

Vivian thought about this for a minute, for an amplitude of reasons. "Isn't
it more important to be intelligent, concerned and honest?" she asked
finally.

"Yes, if you want to be some fellow's secretary. Or his boss, for that
matter. If you want to be his girlfriend, no."

This was a half-truth, I suppose. Intelligence and concern can make up for
a lot, even a bad temper and a bad complexion. But if to be used in lieu of
looks and cosmetics, matters of the spirit and the mind must exist in true
abundance. A general arts degree isn't enough.

"Don't you think that this is just a question of social conditioning?"
Vivian asked. "That if we educated them differently, men would see what is
of real value in a woman?"

"You mean that what's-his-name, Marcello, would have declared himself to
you in a non-sexist society?"

"Well, yes,' replied Vivian, 'if you must put it this way."

All it takes is a little courage. When Vivian posed this question, I looked
her straight in the eye and said: "Vivian, my pet, wash your hair, stop
talking rubbish, and Bob's your uncle."

All right: That's what I would have like to have said. The truth is, I'm a
coward. When I looked Vivian in the eye all I could say was: "Gee, Vivian,
maybe. I really don't know."

© National Post 2005

Printer-friendly version   Email this item to a friend